Wei Jingsheng Foundation News and Article Release Issue: A166-O46
魏京生基金会新闻与文章发布号：A166-O46
Release Date: November 20, 2005
发布日：2005年11月20日
Topic: The Sorrow of a Daughter, the Pain of a Nation – Ciping HUANG (part of Journal of a Human Rights Defender)
标题：家痛与国恨 -- 黄慈萍悼父旧文（一个人权捍卫者的历程）
Original Language Version: Chinese (Chinese version at the end)
此号以中文为准（英文在前，中文在后）
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On this day of the 5th anniversary of my father, HUANG QinMao's death, I am publishing the following eulogy I wrote around his death, in memory of him and many Chinese whose rights were exploited and whose lives were ruined under the Chinese Communism regime. I started to write this article on November 7, 2000 when I realized that I would not be allowed to see him and finished on November 21, 2000, the day after he died. After his death, I was forbidden to attend his funeral as well.
-- Ciping HUANG
__ __ __
The Sorrow of a Daughter, the Pain of a Nation
-- Ciping HUANG, November 2000
My father has just passed away. Unfortunately, due to my pro-democracy activities, the Chinese Communist government would not let me visit him in his final days, nor attend his funeral.
My dad was diagnosed with mid to late stage liver cancer more than one year ago. He was seriously ill and the hospital gave us a "Notice of critical condition" and stated that he could die any time. When I learned the news, I departed for China immediately. However, I was stopped and turned away at the Shanghai airport by nearly two dozen police and plain-clothes secret police, without respect to the United Nations' Human Right Declaration China has signed.
They did give me an "opportunity" to choose: either to surrender my principles and crawl back to meet with my dying father, or regret forever for my dad, myself, and the rest of the family. I must confess that such a choice is extremely hard, as well as posing great torture mentally and emotionally. Both my dad and I had hoped and tried; yet we have failed to see each other the last time. There is no way for me to express my sorrow. There is no way to compensate for such a loss. And what the Chinese government has done to us has again revealed the tyrant nature of this Communist dictatorship. It's a shame of our human race to let them trample on human nature and humanity. That should also be the reason that we must try our best to persistently push China into a democratic and free society.
In the spring of 1998, when I was home visiting my parents, I was brought away by the secret police from the National Security Bureau. But I made them disappointed. The outcome was that they forced me out of China, after the intervention from the US State Department and our local US representative Marcy Kaptur. Before the deportation, these secret police gave me twenty minutes to pack my luggage and say goodbye to my parents. That few days of events had a tremendous effect on my poor father. He was all over the city looking for me during my disappearance. Later, when I was finally taken away, he tried to keep me by repeating some irrelevant words to the team of the secret police. Nearly three years have passed, I still remember vividly the way my shy father stood at the side of the wall pleading to them.
My dad was born into an intellectual family. As was passed on through the family line, he did very good calligraphy. He was kind and down-to-earth, yet cowardly and afraid of troubles and threat from the Chinese government even though he had a clear mind for himself. My dad had no way to protect me. Maybe because of that it made him even more reserved and shy to express himself. There are hundreds and thousands people in China like him, who could not protect their children, or even themselves. A dictatorial and peremptory government makes people cowardly and loose self-protection. On the other hand, the cowardliness makes the dictatorship even stronger and last longer. Sadly, such a simple logic is not well recognized in China. So the bad circle continues. When one tries to challenge it, one has to face such a painful consequence -- that to choose between your ideals, or give in to protect personal interests. There are people who choose the latter and I can understand them well. For I know clearly the price that I must pay when I choose the former -- I choose my ideal -- I am here paying for it, painfully. Yet, I wish that there were more people who would choose what I chose, so the generations after us do not have to go through what I have to go through today -- that at the time of life and death of my beloved dad, I could not see him for the last time. I am so overwhelmed with sadness and the sense of helplessness…
Dad was a person who loved life and loved nature. My love of gardening comes from his influence. I remember the flowers and vegetables he grew nearby our apartment when I was a child. He worked hard, and brought us harvest with his genuine smile. Not only did he bring the family joy of the material life, but also he sowed the seed of love, truth and beauty to the young hearts of his children.
Those years, our family was struggling in poverty. Dad would hesitate to spend 3 pennies to buy a pop in a hot summer day. Yet he would spend two or even four dimes for us to pick up a pot of beautiful flowers. They would last weeks to delight some little girl. In 1993, my parents visited USA for nearly one year. My dad loved my farmhouse. He planted more than 50 varieties of vegetables and flowers, working hard every day. The vegetables, the fruits, and the flowers in my garden remind me of my dad, that hard working and kind man, as well as his love to me, to nature and to this world.
In the last days of dad's life, he still kept track of the growing season. He was bedridden and could not move. So he asked my sister to soak some lava beans for him for future planting. He carefully put the pot on his thin body, wanting his body heat to promote the growth of the new lives...
One year ago, when he was just out of danger and returned home from the hospital, he did his final calligraphy to make me happy. That was a pair of Chinese poems for me to hang on the entrance of my deck. It says: "Hundreds of Birds Seeking for this Boundless Jade Lake; Thousands of Flowers Smiling in this Ancient Garden." Maybe, the happy birds and the beautiful flowers would guide the spirit of my father across the ocean, to meet his daughter in the dreams?
My dad still wished to see me in his last days, although his life was maintained by drugs by then. Most of the time, he was sleeping in the bed without taking much food or water. Once, my sister begged him to eat some. But he was not responding. My sister cried to him: "Look at you, if they came back, they would be sad." He suddenly opened his eyes and asked: "Would she came back?" Words cannot describe my great sadness when I heard of that, even just to think of that now. How much I wish that I could.
My sister did not want to give up. She went to the National Security Bureau and begged them to allow my return of home. They set up a list of conditions that included:
1. Write an "application" with a guarantee “not to participate in any political activities" after my return;
2. I must tell them everything they wanted to know. Otherwise, I will not be able to leave China again;
3. They shall determine the place and time of my home visit.
I would not accept their conditions. Back in 1998, while they held me in detention, they had a list of requests that I refused thus resulting in today's situation. In 1999, without my knowledge, they made my sister guarantee them my surrender in exchange for a visit to my father. It was hard for my sister who had to take care of my father, yet also deal with the secret police. I had to tell her: first, she could not guarantee me anyway; and second, what the secret police were trying to do could not change me, especially by using the influence from my family members. Of course, it is much easier to say something like that, than to carry out it. Whenever I am thinking of my father, thinking that my decision resulted in endless regret, my heart starts to bleed, and my tears fall on my cheeks...
Even before my father's departure from this world, I had already made the painful conclusion to assume that he had already passed away. Thus I convinced myself there was no way of to see him alive again. Yet, in the year after 1999, with the ups and downs of his struggle with the terminal illness, I had to face the reality that he indeed was still alive. Now that my dear father has passed away, it surely is a sad end, but it also brings a new start. For from now on, I did not have to face this painful dilemma, although it came with unavoidable pain and regret. But this tragedy brought me to realize that all that I do, and all the personal sacrifices by my father and myself mean that we will be one step closer to preventing others from suffering this type of cruelty, to have such kind of sad farewell from this world. A democratic and free society shall have its basic humanity, instead of this cruelty of a dictatorial government. In 1999 as I was stopped and detained at Shanghai airport on my way to visit my father upon first learning of his terminal illness, I asked the secret police: "Do not you have your own parents? If they are ill, would not you want to visit them?" Of course, no one answered me.
How much I wish to meet my father for one more time, to satisfy his last will. I will thank him. I will comfort him. I will hold his hands softly and whispering to him my deep love for him.
-- Ciping HUANG
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中文版
Wei Jingsheng Foundation News and Article Release Issue: A166-O46
魏京生基金会新闻与文章发布号：A166-O46
Release Date: November 20, 2005
发布日：2005年11月20日
Topic: The Sorrow of a Daughter, the Pain of a Nation – Ciping HUANG (part of Journal of a Human Rights Defender)
标题：家痛与国恨 -- 黄慈萍悼父旧文（一个人权捍卫者的历程）
Original Language Version: Chinese (Chinese version at the end)
此号以中文为准（英文在前，中文在后）
如有中文乱码问题，请访问:
http://www.weijingsheng.org/report/report2005/report2005-11/HuangCP051120fatherA166-O46.htm which contains identical information.
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黄慈萍：家痛与国恨
悼念父亲
2000.11
不久前家父病重去世，我没有能与他做最后的诀别。自他在一年多前病危住院并被诊断为肝癌中晚期时，我曾回国探望他，但中共派了一大队警察与便衣将我阻截在上海机场，全然不顾中国政府签署过的联合国人权公约。一年多来他们也曾给我"机会"做选择：要么是从狗洞中爬回家，尽我的孝道；要么就是为自己、为我们全家造成永世的遗憾。不能不说，这种"忠孝不能双全"的选择是非常困难，对感情更是巨大的折磨，没有任何办法来补偿因此而造成的遗恨。而国安部的所作所为充分显示了共产专制的蛮横无道，它们对人性与人道之践踏，也促使我坚持不懈为将中国推入人权、民主、法治的轨道上而努力。
一九九八年春我探家时，被国安部人员带走几天，接受审问并受到威胁。但我使他们的打算落空了，结果他们强迫我出境，仅给我二十分钟时间打点行装并与父母告别。这对我父亲的打击是重大的。在此之后，当局更在我们家门口竖起巨幅"坚持四项基本原则"的牌子来。我至今仍清楚地记得父亲到中国科技大学到处找我的同学，去派出所寻人，以及在我被押送离家前向那些国安部人说的语无伦次、不得要领的话，怯怯地站在墙角边干著急。
我的父亲没有能力保护我。像他这样的人在中国不止一个。专制与蛮横的制度使得很多人变得懦弱，而这种怯懦只会使得专制更加巩固与长久。这是中华民族之悲剧。可惜不是所有人明白这样一个简单的逻辑，而是多少年来恶性循环不断。而当你向它挑战时，面临的便是这样一个痛苦的结局。你必须在理念之追求与个人的利益中作选择，有的人选择了后者，我能理解，因为我明白选择前者之代价。我只是希望能有更多的人选择前者。
父亲出身于书香门笫，他的书法非常秀美。他是个热爱生命热爱自然的人。我喜爱花草种植的爱好就是受他的影响。记得小时候，父亲总会在房屋前后种植许多蔬菜与花草，辛勤耕耘，含著微笑给我们展示他的丰硕成果，也为贫穷的家庭增添了物质上的额外享受，更教育了三个年幼无知的孩子对真善美之爱。
那时候家里虽穷，上街时连买三分钱的冰棍也会犹豫，但父亲会在合肥的逍遥津公园的花圃里会花两角、甚至四角钱让我们挑一盒象牙红或菊花，兴高采烈地回家。
一九九三年父母来美居住了近一年，父亲酷爱我的农庄，开了近半亩的土地，种了五十多种作物，每天辛劳，收获甚丰。至今，每当我去他当年种下的韭菜园去割那永远割不完的韭菜；或去果园摘苹果、桃子或将家里摆满鲜花，我都会想到我的父亲 -- 他对我的爱，他对这自然、对这世界的爱。
在他弥留的最后一段时光，他忘不了的却是播种蚕豆的季节，那时他已难言语，化了很多的功夫与误会才向妈妈与姐姐说清楚了他的意思。他已不能动弹，只好让姐姐泡了些蚕豆种子，他把它们小心地放在自己的身上，以自己的余温来催发新的生命......。一年前，当他刚脱离了危险出院归家时，他却支撑著病体，为了满足他女儿的愿望，写下了最后的笔墨，那是用于我屋后凉亭描述我家园的对联："玉湖渺渺百鸟求，古庄悠悠万花羞"。也许，这快乐的百鸟，这美丽的万花会到处寻找父亲的灵魂，让他飞过大洋，与他亲爱的女儿相会吧？
父亲在弥留前几天还希望能看到我，他多次提到为什么儿子已回家多次探父，却还不见我这女儿归来？那时候他已是靠药物维持生命了，整天迷迷糊糊地躺在床上。基本上不吃东西。有一次，姐姐劝他吃一些，他没有反应。姐姐说："你这样子，等他们回来看见了，怎么是好？"他忽然眼睛一亮，问道："他们能回来吗？"我听说了后，无比的悲怆。我多么希望我能满足父亲最后的愿望，但是，这又是我所不能决定的。姐姐说："权当爸爸没有你这个女儿吧。"我也只好告诉她：不要让父亲无望地等待，只希望父亲的离去比较平静，在肉体上不要太苦痛。
姐姐不甘心，去国安部恳求他们让我回国，国安部对我提了三个条件。大至是：其一，必须写一个申请，保证回国后不再参加任何政治活动。其二，我必须把该"交待"的事情交待清楚了，否则，别指望离开。其三，进出关的时间与地点由他们定。
我不可以能接受他们的条件，在一九九八年，他们乘著我在他们手掌心之时，就提过一系列的条件，被我拒绝了，才造成今天的结局。一九九九年，在我不知情的情况下，让我姐姐做担保人，做为我回家看我病危的父亲的条件。姐姐的处境本来就很困难，不仅要照顾父亲，还有国安部夹在中间。我只好告诉她，其一，她无法担保我。其二，国安部之所作所为无法改变我，包括以我的家人来影响我。当然，这一切说起来容易，做起来确实难。当我想起我的父亲，想到这决定了我们再也不能相见，我的心开始滴血，眼泪便流了下来......
在父亲去世前，我已经做了一个痛苦的决定，就是假定他已经去世，自然也就不可能再见到他。然而这一年来，他的病好好坏坏，总逼迫我接受他尚未去世之沉痛，因此不免就产生希望。如今父亲去了，既是一个悲痛的结尾，但也带来一个新的起点，因为从此以后，我不必再为此面对困境，虽说痛苦与遗恨是不可避免的，但我想，我所作这一切，我和父亲为此所付之代价，是为了今后人们不必再饱受如此磨难，竟让一个弱小的人，以这种方式谢世。一个民主、自由的社会里的人也将是有人道和人性的，而不是心甘情愿地充当专制机器的爪牙。当我一九九九年被挡在上海机场时，我问他们："你们也有父母吗？如果他们病了，你们会不会去看他们？"自然，没有一个人回答。
我多么希望能与我父亲见最后一面，了却他临终的心愿。我会感谢他，我会安慰他，我会轻轻地握著他的手，告诉他我多么爱他。
-- 黄慈萍
2000。11。
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